Hey, you know what really burns me?

When I ask a yes or no kind of question like “Do you want me to come home early and pick up $CHILD from school?” I’d really like a “YES” or a “NO” instead of “I don’t know” and “I don’t care” because what those say to me is “I really want you to but I’m afraid if I say yes you’ll get mad so I need you to answer the way I want you to so I don’t feel bad.” Which means I have to answer the proper way or I’m screwed. Well, I’m screwed anyway.

And the worst part is this is always *ALWAYS* at a time when there’s something else I’d kind of like to be doing going on.

“Do you want me to skip the hockey game and stay home with you since it was a long week?” “I don’t care”
“Gee, we did have an offsite meating, but if you don’t feel well, would you like me to skip that and pick up the kids?” “I don’t care”
“I have a chance to $FOO after work. So do you mind if I go?” “I don’t care”


About Kevin Sonney

Kevin Sonney - who, contrary to popular opinion was NOT raised by wolves - grew up in central North Carolina. He fell into the technology field by accident in 1991, when he gave up the wild and crazy lifestyle of an on-air AM radio DJ to become a mundane technical support monkey. The technology industry has never really recovered from this. Kevin has worked for such names as IBM, Red Hat, webslingerZ, and Lulu Technologies (we won't mention the ones that didn't survive the experience). He currently works as a Linux Administrator for Apptio. In his spare time he rescues stray animals and plays video games with his two sons. His wife, we're sad to say, helps him get past the really hard bits. Kevin is still not very mundane, he just got better at hiding it.
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4 Responses to Hey, you know what really burns me?

  1. shaden says:

    What ever happened to “You do waht you want to do baby, I really don’t mind. What ever makes you happy”

    of course it still leaves the option up to you, but it SHOULD ensure no regret or lashing for it!

    I really prefer for people to make their own decisions in what they do- but I always want to make sure that I wont hold it against them if I dont answer directly.

    If its something I prefer,and I would be bothered otherwise I will say so. period.

  2. beccaj says:

    Interpersonal/Sm.Group communication can indeed be tricksey. Secondary tension is most easily resolved when addressed with directness, and that is very indirect (therefore frustrating).

  3. sandypar says:

    , i am so sorry. i think that you should have come with us and dealt with the consequences. however, i am the same person who will ignore my cell phone if it rings while i am attempting to do something i want to do and my husband is calling. i do it to avoid guilt so i feel your pain. i think that, in your situation, i wouldn’t have asked her what she wanted me to do. i guess that makes me selfish.

    best of luck, sweetie. go home and play with the boys. you probably will not miss much. (i will tell you if anyone gets drunk and disorderly. LOL)

  4. pam says:

    You know, I have about two reactions to that kind of crap.

    1. Launch into the “I am not a mind reader” lecture. Meaning, I am not a mind reader, I am denser than lead, I don’t notice any subtle hints (I blame it on biology). If you want ANYTHING you have to tell me clear as day or I will not get it. Period. So please, speak clearly or you have no one but yourself to blame.

    2. Assuming I’ve already done the “I am not a mind reader” lecture (multiple times), and I’ve asked at least once for clarification, I say, “Great! If you don’t care, we’ll do what I want!!!”. Because, I am not a mind reader, and if you don’t care, well, I certainly do!

    Sometimes I’ll make an effort to push Tom (or whoever it is – had lots of old roommates that did this) to say something, because I know they have an opinion, and either don’t know how to say it or don’t want to hurt my feelings, but I usually don’t, because I have such a hard time maintaining my own emotional well-being that I really can’t be responsible for anyone else’s. These days – they’re all grown adults, if they don’t know how to tell me what they want, it’s THEIR job to get a counselor or whatever. Probably not the most well-adjusted attitude, but hey. Tom is more than stubborn er functional enough to tell me what he wants, when he really wants something, and he’s the one that matters the most these days.

    Oh, actually, I thought of a third. If they don’t care, and I don’t care, then I usually shrug and do nothing. Although if you’re asking where they want to eat dinner, this is NOT a good tactic, cause you get REALLY hungry before you break down and pick one at random.

    Free Advice (caveat emptor)

    Seems like it’s tough for her because she’s being asked to make decisions that might hurt you, and she doesn’t want have to do that, even though she might in fact need it. Maybe you all could institute some kind of policy or organization that would help – maybe you could ask her if she wants to take turns with the not-getting-to-do-fun-things tasks? So that way neither one of you has to ask, you just know whose turn it is to miss whatever fun thing is planned? No one would have to feel guilty that way.

    Maybe just talking about it, and telling her how you react/feel would help? I know my counselor always advised that, although he also told me not to attack them, just say, you know, when you do that (whatever makes me upset), it makes me feel ___ (like mad or hurt or crazy), and it makes me think ___… (usually you don’t care, I’m not important, blah blah blah), I would like it more if you ____ (whatever reasonable action might actually fix the situation so I don’t get upset).

    But you probably already know all that, and you’ve probably already figured out what you want to do to fix the situation…. most people are more capable than me anyways!!!


    Sounds like you are really willing to put in the effort it takes to help around the house, and keep a relationship going. From a woman’s point of view – it’s definatley appreciated! :-) Good luck…

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