Well, I feel like ass. but at least there has been some headway.
Last night she asks me what’s wrong, ecause I’m bummed, and I explain that I’m not into my current physical state. I’m between 185 and 190, with a 36-inch waist, and I think I need to be about 165 with a 32 in waist. And I’m just not happy with how I look. And Jake was fussy so she ended up sleeping in the chair.
And then this morning the usual strained stuff. So I mower the lawn. *ALL* the lawn – the acre and a half we have cleared. With a push (but gas) mower. And that takes me about 2 hours and I think and I thing about what her dad and I talked about, and how to handle things, and how to talk to her about it.
And then I went in, had a shower, had some lunch…Renee has lunch, Jake has lunch, and I’m dealing. And then….
So Renee stops chatting for the time being, and goes to get a shower. And Jake and I are playing in the room as she gets undressed, and when she’s taken off her panties, it’s pretty obvious she’s “excited” – like *VISIBLY* excited (girls, you know what I mean!).
And that’s when I lost it.
I mean, she was in the shower, and I’m freaking out because she’s been online all morning and she’s now headed to the shower and what the hell has she been talking about, and to who? And I can’t think straight because sure, it might be hormones, or she might be looking forward to some “private time” but the circumstances are just too right for my fucked-up head. And I’ve got a headache and my hands are shaking and my head hurts because, you know, this is it, and I’m fucked and how can this be happening to me oh shit no oh shit oh shit oh shit….
And I can’t do jack. I mean, I can’t deal. So after her shower, I calmly ask her downstairs, and then ask to be told about her chat buddies. And then I drop the bomb – I know she was excited , and I wanted to know *WHY*, since the timing was just too, too suspicious and if….
And she was *PISSED* me, and had me look her right in the eye when she said that no, it wasn’t like that, and that that’s just sick and wrong, and how could I think that and then the light-bulb went off, and all the little pieces fell into place for her.
And we talked about it.
Really talked about it. About how her sister had said something to me, and her dad had said something to me, and how everyone kept bugging her about if she was depressed, and it all started to make sense to her. And what I had planned before the beach trip, and how I’ve been feeling since, and got it all out on the table. *ALL* of it. About how it just started out as a diversion because she’s lost – completely lost. This housewife shit isn’t just magic, you know. She doesn’t know what to do or where to start, so she’s not starting – easier to just play the game and stick to what she’s been doing.
But she’s admitting she has a problem. Oh, it took about an hour, but it hit her. For the first 45 mins she was very defensive. And made excuses. And then it sunk in, and she stopped making excuses, because she knew, and didn’t want to admit it to herself.
And so she’ll try to exorcise some control. And if that fails, we’ll see about getting some help. But she wants to try and beat it on her own, which is fair enough. And that if she needs my help, she knows I’m here.
And we’re gonna try making a list of what needs to be done around the house- sort of a schedule – and see if that helps with the cleaning and getting things under control. And finally weaning Jacob, because she’s been ready to be done for a while, we’re just waiting on him.
So we’ll see. Maybe this time it’s gonna stick. At least I *FINALLY* know where she’s coming from.
And I explained how we were all here, and we want to help if she needs us. So we’ll see.
And I feel better. Well, sick to my stomach for even thinking such a thing, and she says she forgives me, and says she understands how I could have thought that, but once said, it can’t be unsaid, and I hope it doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass. because for one brief moment, I stopped trusting in her.
And so the drama in my house goes on. I hope this calms it down, though
The kids, it seems, are blissfully unaware. And that’s as it should be.