Ah the eternal internal debate. Once again, we’re reaching the breaking point. OK, I’m reaching the breaking point.
I love her. She loves me. but it’s hard as hell to maintain a relationship when the typical day is :
6am-ish: I wake up.
7am-ish: I leave for work, kissing her goodbye in her semi-sleep
5:30pm-ish: I leave work
6:30-ish: I get home. I have dinner, sometimes with her and the kids, sometimes not. When done, she goes back to Ragnorok online
7pm-ish: hang out with, play with, the kids. She’s stil playing
9pm – Ray’s bedtime. She’s still playing. Unless he asks her for a story, she doesn’t even say goodnight to him.
9-ish: play with Jacob, watch TV computer, whatever, until Jacob decides to sleep. She plays RO the entire time.
Midnight: I pass out. She’s still online.
3-ish: wake to pee. (TMI!) She’s asleep in the bed.
See a trend? There are three issues, as I see them :
– Jacob is still sleeping in out bed
– Jacob is still nursing
– She plays her game for at least 6 hours every night, if not more before I get home.
While not happy with the first two, it’s the third that’s been driving me nuts for the past four months. At least since before big ice storm. And I could deal, if she didn’t turn into queen bitch when the game isn’t available. Maybe not super bitch, but a lot more temperamental. The week it was down, and her computer wasn’t working right, was a strain on me. The longer it went on, the more upset she got.
And she stops every so often to smile sweetly at me, as if to say “I know I’m online, but I still love you” – the most tender looks. it’s that that keeps me from just dropping a bomb – me or the game – because I know she still cares. Honestly cares about us. She just has this little problem. The one where she smiles at me, then turns back and giggles at something someone in game typed. Like “I love you, and I want to show if, but my mind is in here.”
And we won’t even talk about sex. Well, OK, maybe a little. A satisfying sex life has turned into once a month if I don’t ask for it on a daily basis. Which feels like begging. it’s like, if I want it, I have to remind her to want it to, expect for those one or two days when her hormones peak. Maybe I just got spoiled when she was pregnant and just after, when we were 2-3 times-a-week. And I can live with the reduced schedule, I’m sure – I have in the past, and wasn’t this unhappy – if it weren’t for the fact all her attention seems focused on the game.
My god, a few weeks back she interrupted us making out a little before bed to tell me a funny story about one of the people from in game, because she almost forgot. Big turn on that. HUGE.
Is this how Everquest Widows/Widowers feel? How the fuck do you get across to your partner that her/she may have a problem? “You have nothing to worry about. It’s only a game. I’ll cut back” – the first time I believed her, and she tried. The second time it didn’t even look like she tried. Unless she’s not playing until I get home. Which is really good for the ego, ya?
I think I may have busted something in me last spring. Al I can think about is saying “cut back, make it stick, or I’m walking” – which means I’m getting screwed, and not in a good way. of course, she’s already inferred that if I ever tried to toss her out, things would go badly for me. Feh.
I’d blame it all on my cold meds, but this builds up every few *WEEKS*. That makes me wonder if it’s just me, or not.
Maybe the trip to DC will help. I need some away time. I’ve not had a vacation in almost two years, and it’s been a long stressful time. While the training schedule looks like mostly pain, at least i can retire to my room (if I’m not bunking with someone) and relax for a bit. Or just get wasted and not care since the kids aren’t around.
But I’ll miss my boys. And Renee. I love her more than anything, but it’s hard to love her some times….
Fuck gotta run – I should be in the shower now!