Long post

Yeah, I know. this is a long post. It’s a brain dump. Be warned. I was replying to but (a) it’s too long, and (b) I’d like some other opinions on it, too. Some of this will cover stuff I’ve not put in my journal yet.

The full timeline of the last 2 years goes something like this :

Dec 2000
– buy new house
– I start lj
– cook massively successful xmas dinner for entire family
Feb 2001
– she looses job, finds out she’s pregnant
Mar 2001 – May 2001
– Sometime after this she dicovers anime cel trading on the ‘net.
– She’s not looking for a job because she’s on the NorTel package, and it’s sweet
– Ray is in daycare
– Renee dicovers anime cel webboard
– refinance house to lower interest rate. Mortgage and home equity loan in my name since she doesn’t have job
– we co-op diablo2 & D2LOD begining to end. Twice.
Jun 2001
– Nortel Package Runs out
– we withdraw ray from daycare since we can’t afford it on one income
– change to wZ insurance pkg
Jul/Aug 2001
– renee asks me to move her computer upstairs so she can surf (look for jobs) and keep an eye on ray. I say OK.
– Computer use seems to increase. More time spent on cel boards, more money spent on cels
– damean has kidney attack
Sept 2001
– Ray starts pre-school 2 days a week
– she’s really pregnant, but OK at this point
October 2001
– Jacob is born
– she’s now a stay-at-home mom w/2 kids
– things don’t change much
– computer use still pretty high
November 2001
– things start to settle back into routine
December 2001
– layoffs @ wZ. I find out because badger calls to see if I got the axe too.
– my xmas present? A really cool anime cel from one of my favorites. she refuses to let me see her credit card bill because of it.
January 2002
– First late paycheck. No worries, Jeffrey will take care of it
– her computer use is, IMHO, still high. Probably aproaching 10+ hours a day.
– damean survives first operation
February 2002
– More late paychecks
March 2002
– geoge commits suicide after finding out his wife (renee’s sister) is leaving him
– stress starting to show. I get off my ass and start looking
– Introduction of Cel Collector’s Java Chat room
– she creates web page galleries for all our(her) cels
– first max of the visa
– money starts getting tight
– she gets aim
– second operation for the cat
– wZ insurance prices double
– DSL!
April 2002
– get lead on UNC healthcare job
– posting resumes everywhere
– money stil tight, paychecks getting progresively later
– Hockey Season ends. I finally get to go to a game or two
May 2002
– I loose UNC healthcare lead. which turns out to be a good thing
– Hockey playoffs start. I’m at 1-2 games a week
– she sprains foot
– we have argument in pre-school because I blew a schedule
– she tells me I’m spending too much time at hockey games
– I promise to change
– animazement
June 2002
– Hockey seaons ends, we’re at a truce
– pre-school ends for summer
– paychecks still late
– no job leads
– I start to freak
– arguments more frequent
– she pressures me to look in Calif. or Colo.
– damean diagnosed w/kidney stones
– it seems I can do no right
July 2002
– I agree to let her take mommy-only vacation @ anime con in calif in 2003 after much complaiining from her
– her asking about me getting job in Calif or Colo more frequent. really seems to want to move
– first missed paycheck
– I consider moving out of bedroom
– arguments even more frequent- I ask her what’s up, she basically says she doesn’t know where she wants to be, or if she wants to be with me
– get foot in door at Red Hat
– I start to suspect that she’s interested in someone else
– I loose it, and consider looking at her chat logs, just to see what the fuck is so interesting until 11pm nightly
– I ‘fess up to the last two suspicions to her, she’s really pissed about my lack of trust
– I make decisions to change my life around
– decide I am willing to change religion to stay with her
– decide I will cut back on my computer use
– she goes to church w/me and Ray once, stays home rest of time
– get first interview @ Red Hat
– she starts drinking 1 wine cooler nightly, give or take. would not be significant, except she drank rarely prior to now (as in 6-8 times/year)
– Damean’s cancer is worse
– half of 1st missed paycheck paid
August 2002
– I get second interview
– I get job
– second half of 1st missed paycheck paid
– I quit @ wZ
– damean has kidney attack, get meds for him
– I start @ RH
– damean dies
– I spend more time at work than at home with new job
– she seems more relaxed
– drinking unchanged
– computer use unchanged
– I ask her on job about the con dates so I can schedule vacation time.. Over July 4th, so she’ll miss Ray’s b-day. I seem upset, she gets defensive. I say things can cahnge by then. She agrees, in strage tone
– I mention 8th aniv coming up, she seems less than enthused, she changes subject to her parent’s aniv

typocal topics of conversations from her : latest happenings on cel community, how kids have been for day, bitch about wZ (before), new job status (after), household status – laundry, dishes, groceries, etc

the dailly schedule, from when I worked @ home:
– I get up around 7, check my email
– ray gets up between 7 & 7:30, I make him breakfast
– she and jacob get up between 7 & 8, she logs on to her chat, checks email, etc
– i have shower around 8
– I take jacob to give hi, breakfast around 8:30, send her for shower
– @ 9, wonder what’s taking her so long, find her on computer
– I go downstairs to work from home
– I may hear one or two interactions with ray
– ray may come bother me
– she asks me to hold jacob while she does something, I usually have to find her 2 her computer so I can work again.
– 11-ish, she comes down to get ray lunch
– noon-ish, I eat
– 2pm, she feeds jacob his lunch
– 3pm, fight w/ray about his nap
– 3:15, bitch @ me about ray, goes to check mail
– 5-6, I stop work to cook dinner
– 6:30-ish, eat.
– 7-ish bathtime for ray, she’s on computer
– 7:30-ish watch tv w/ray. watch back of her head. if she has drink, she may have drink now or after 9pm, depending on day
– 8:30 bedtime for ray, jacob may or may not be nursing
– 9pm I feed cats, finish clean up, prep coffee for morning
– 11-midnight – she logs off computer for day

schedule may be broken up by trips to her parents’ house, trip to park every so often, etc.
since new job started, I leave around 8, and return @7pm. I don’t thonk much else has changed.

other bits :
– day we lost power first thing in morning, she went to parent’s house w/baby, complains she can’t check webboard on his machine
– she gets bitchy if I leave before she can have shower in morning
– most days she checks email/webboard/chat first thing
– she spent one night on aim after I had expressed an interest in spending some QT together (rowr). After climing she’d “be right there.” Like I’ll still be interested after hearing her type for 45mins while I watched tv at the end of the hall.

Now, maybe some of this is post-partum leftovers ( which should have peeked Jun/Jul). But a lot points to “would rather spend time in chat than with me/kids.” She finishes a task, then checks chat/web. After dinner? before bed? can’t sleep @ 3am? guess. post-coital? sometimes.

While I typed a lot of this? you betcha – it was spread out over several hours. Right now she’s at the store getting groceries while jacob sleeps on me

*sigh* It’s not so depressing until I write it all out. Any time I ask about her computer use she gets defensive. I’m afraid to ask what she and the boys do when I’m not home, or pffer any advice on how to get Ray to behave better because I *KNOW* an argument will ensue.

I just wish I knew what was going on in her head….

In other news, she’s been happy for the past two days. I find this worrisome for some reason…

About Kevin Sonney

Kevin Sonney - who, contrary to popular opinion was NOT raised by wolves - grew up in central North Carolina. He fell into the technology field by accident in 1991, when he gave up the wild and crazy lifestyle of an on-air AM radio DJ to become a mundane technical support monkey. The technology industry has never really recovered from this. Kevin has worked for such names as IBM, Red Hat, webslingerZ, and Lulu Technologies (we won't mention the ones that didn't survive the experience). He currently works as a Linux Administrator for Apptio. In his spare time he rescues stray animals and plays video games with his two sons. His wife, we're sad to say, helps him get past the really hard bits. Kevin is still not very mundane, he just got better at hiding it.
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7 Responses to Long post

  1. ex_redsonja442 says:

    OK one thing I see is you doing all the housework. Now right before and after the birth of a baby, and the recovery time, that makes total sense *but* are you still doing it all, and have you been doing it all for a long time? Especially if she’s kind of ignoring the kids anyway and isn’t busy with them but is just farting around on the computer, that’s just plain wrong. You are not a maid. I’ve had this one out with the boi a million times. He seems to think that since he is content to live in filth he shouldn’t have to do anything…but I digress.

    This secretive thing. Now there are times I ask my BF not to look over my shoulder because I am discussing embarrassing female problems or venting on personal crises with girlfriends via email, but by and large if we see each other’s screens or each other’s email 99% of the time it is no big deal for either of us. My mom started getting secretive with her computer about a year ago, dad got suspicious, and he decided to check her computer while she was away…guess what he found. What I would term “improper correspondence.” Dad was livid, naturally.

    I don’t know what your conscience dictates, and I wouldn’t say you should go against it because then you would just feel even worse. BUT. If I thought my BF were cheating on me, and I knew how to check his computer to see if he were corresponding with some other woman, I would so totally dig through every message. I wouldn’t tip him off to my suspicion first, because then he could erase things, change passwords, download “internet washer” and all sorts of crap like that…I’d just do it. I tend to have situationally dependent ethics for things like this. I figure him cheating on me would be a far worse “sin” (if you will) than me checking his correspondence. And if I turned out to be wrong, and found him innocent, then I’d simply say nothing and he wouldn’t know I had checked. And I wouldn’t feel guilty because if I felt things were bad enough to warrant me checking in the first place, then there you are.

    continued in next box

  2. ex_redsonja442 says:

    If you would feel wrong doing this, there’s also the somewhat risky option of saying “Look, I’m tired of not getting any answers, being strung along and letting you hold all the cards. I want straight answers and I want them now!” Of course she may just throw a tantrum, and the problem with this sort of approach is that you have to be prepared and willing to follow up on the worst case scenario, otherwise it may not work for you. Because the next step in this is “shape up or ship out” which I gather you do not want to throw her out at this point. I had to give my BF an ultimatum a few months ago, actually two of them, and I knew that there was a good chance I would have to pack up my shit and move back in with my parents if he didn’t cooperate. It was (1) get a job, any job, in six weeks time or get the fuck out and (2) get your ass on some medication to get your temper under control immediately or your shit will be out in the parking lot and you will be homeless. Believe me I had good reason for that. Then I called his best friend and I said if I throw him out will you take him in, because you may find yourself with a new roommate soon, I know he will run to you. So then the friend calls up my BF and says hey, she’s serious, you had better straighten your shit out fast. Luckily he did comply before it was too late, but I had also called my parents and made provisional arrangements for if he did leave or if I threw him out and I had needed to bug out of here and return to AL. It was a big gamble but it had gotten to where it was worth taking the chance, because this way there was at least a chance of salvaging things, whereas had I done nothing, I am sure we would be broken up by now.

    It has been said many times, and it’s sad yet true, that the person with the least interest in the relationship is the one who controls it. Becasue they have the other person over a barrel. Needless to say that hacks me off no end because it is totally and completely unfair. BUT. Just knowing it has helped me devise my strategies, and to be realistic about evaluating what I see.

    So basically your wife appears to be living off your income while stringing you along with vague responses about the state of your relationship, and possibly cyber-cheating to boot. Is there any possibility for couples counseling, before you either just give up and passively wait for her to do something, or start considering the far harsher options I’ve detailed?

    I tried couples counseling with my BF first thing. To my chagrin, it did not do any good in our case. That’s when I got fed up and busted out with the ultimatums. Looking back on the events of the past several months, I believe that he, like many others in his family, needs to stay on medication. Needless to say that is not the answer for everyone, but it seems to be the one for him. What the answer is for you guys I wish I could say but obviously as a relative stranger I have no way of knowing. The answer with my ex-husband was for me to realize it was a losing game, cut my losses and just pack it in. I had tried everything. He wouldn’t go to counseling, he wouldn’t ask the doctor about whether he needed meds, he wouldn’t modify his behavior, nothing. So I decided that if he wouldn’t do anything, then he didn’t love me, and if he didn’t love me, then what the hell was I doing with him. So after I got over the shock of this realization, I moved out and filed for divorce. And found a new BF, cause that’s just me, I don’t like to be alone.

  3. ex_redsonja442 says:

    So the cons are in CA and she wants to move to CA and the anime board is full of ppl from CA? HMMMMM. Ok so, imagining the worst, one might conclude that she has found a BF in CA and wants to get you to move there so that she has the benefit of your income till she gets settled over there, gets things arranged with the BF and then ditches you, once she is sure that he will support her financially. I hope this is not the case but it wouldn’t be the first time someone has done this to their spouse.

    I hope there is a way to snap her out of it. Whatever’s going on, it ain’t right. Maybe a shrink could persuade her to tell you the truth and make a decision one way or the other.

    Good luck, man, I know all this can make even the stablest person stark raving mad before too long. Let me know if I and/or my boi can help somehow. Even if it is just blowing off steam over coffee or what not.

  4. alchemist says:

    OK, looking over all your comments, and the last week or two, I realize, we’re both reacting to stress in less than constructive ways.

    She had been doing very little housework. I’d come home at about 6 most nights and cook dinner, clean up, etc, ect. The last few weeks, she’s done the laundry consistantly, the dishes, cooked dinner…maybe since I was home, and I was doing it, she saw no need to bother. then again, the big cleaning items – bathrooms, mowing the lawn, etc, usually have to wait until we’re both home in order to get sone, so someone can keep up with the kids.

    Today she’s spent little time on the computer, except whern she’s nursing Jacob, or he’s using her as a pillow.

    There’s a clue in there somewhere.

    After ranting all that stuff out, and then thinking on it for what, 12+ hours, I wonder if it’s not Post-partum combined with internet addiction, and as one passes, the other will too?

    She’s been talking about plans as far out as Halloween. Which is new – in July it was all Anime Con, Anime Con, Anime Con, not here, not here, not here, got to get a new job. now it’s Halloween, her nephew’s B-day party, pre-school and happier stuff.

    Maybe I’m delutional, and jumping at shadows.

    If I’m not, you can say “I told you so!” while I weep into my coffee some time.

    If I am delusional, I’ll buy you a coffee for being a friendly ear – And for putting up with my bad spelling. *grin*

    In the mean time, I’m gonna go a few more weeks and see what’s up. I know what the worst that can happen is, so at least I won’t be surprised.

  5. ex_redsonja442 says:

    I always like to prepare for the worst case scenario, but that doesn’t mean I think it’s inevitable. It is also possible she was carrying on with some guy online, but eventually decided that was a stupid idea after all.

    I still recommend counseling because shrinks have a way of getting people to open up and answer questions, that if we ask them, they refuse to answer and get all huffy. They prod people to think and make decisions and they can get away with it because that’s what they’re paid for.

    I think there is finally a real job on the horizon for Keith. Whee!

  6. alchemist says:

    That entered my mind, but then I figured if she was, so be it. I’ve done dumb things I’m not telling her about *grin*.

    Counseling? The last time I sugested we both go in, she got defensive. Ended up turning it about, and it wasn’t that *WE* needed to go in, but I did. Bad scene. Not gonna push it again, because if it’s that much of an issue, it cannot turn out well.

    She’s a stubborn one. Once she makes up her mind on something and sets her heels in, ain’t hell or high water gonna move her. I think of it as a positive trait most of the time….

    You know, it would be trivial for me to find out. Trivial. But my own moral code prevents me. I’d feel worse if I broke my moral code than if I found out she had been steeping out on me. Funny that, ej?

  7. ex_redsonja442 says:

    Well, I hope she’s not going to keep forcing you to go to church, or make you be/pretend to be christian if that’s not what you’re into. I think that sucks. My BF’s last girlfriend tried to do that to him. It appears to have been a very scarring experience.

    My parents tried to raise me Catholic. I hated it. I finally managed to convince them by the time I was eleven that I didn’t believe, didn’t give a shit and wasn’t going to church any damn more.

    I’m a godless heathen and proud of it! ;)

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