Renee and I have been talking more and more over the last few days, which is good – we hadn’t really been doing more than arguing for the past few weeks.
The upshot :
– I’m scared to death of loosing her.
– I’ll do almost anything to keep her
– she doesn’t know what she wants
– she doesn’t think the future is in NC
– it may all be just peachy if I get the job I want around here
– it may not
– she really needs a break – without me and the kids
It makes my stomach upset every time I think of a life without her here, every day, with me. but, I have to admit, it’s becoming a possibility. The longer the money troubles go on, the harder things get.
I’m trying. I really am. It takes time to fix these things.
Is she trying? She readily admits “she doesn’t know what she wants” and “she doesn’t know anything” right now. I mean, even when I tell her that I know that I love her, and I want us to be together…same things. I mean, I’m starting to wonder. I’m starting to be afraid. And not the gut wrenching “oh God, something *BAD* is going to happen” panic and paranoia I’ve had recently – that’s mostly stress. But more the “I wonder what *IS* right, and I hope it’s not…” kind of thing.
I’m giving us a year. A lot can happen in a year. If things aren’t noticeably better by this time next year, it’ll be time to re-assess this whole situation. Re-assess what she and I are all about. And not just “for the children” – a loveless marriage isn’t any better for the children than it is for the parents, no matter what people seem to think.
We’re not Ozzy and Harriet (or Ozzy and Sharon, thank god) but we’re usually pretty happy with each other. Usually. Since before January. Maybe it’s just Post-Partum. Maybe it’s just stress. Maybe it’s the money.