This may help

Renee and I have been talking more and more over the last few days, which is good – we hadn’t really been doing more than arguing for the past few weeks.

The upshot :
– I’m scared to death of loosing her.
– I’ll do almost anything to keep her
– she doesn’t know what she wants
– she doesn’t think the future is in NC
– it may all be just peachy if I get the job I want around here
– it may not
– she really needs a break – without me and the kids

It makes my stomach upset every time I think of a life without her here, every day, with me. but, I have to admit, it’s becoming a possibility. The longer the money troubles go on, the harder things get.
I’m trying. I really am. It takes time to fix these things.

Is she trying? She readily admits “she doesn’t know what she wants” and “she doesn’t know anything” right now. I mean, even when I tell her that I know that I love her, and I want us to be together…same things. I mean, I’m starting to wonder. I’m starting to be afraid. And not the gut wrenching “oh God, something *BAD* is going to happen” panic and paranoia I’ve had recently – that’s mostly stress. But more the “I wonder what *IS* right, and I hope it’s not…” kind of thing.

I’m giving us a year. A lot can happen in a year. If things aren’t noticeably better by this time next year, it’ll be time to re-assess this whole situation. Re-assess what she and I are all about. And not just “for the children” – a loveless marriage isn’t any better for the children than it is for the parents, no matter what people seem to think.

We’re not Ozzy and Harriet (or Ozzy and Sharon, thank god) but we’re usually pretty happy with each other. Usually. Since before January. Maybe it’s just Post-Partum. Maybe it’s just stress. Maybe it’s the money.


One Year.

About Kevin Sonney

Kevin Sonney - who, contrary to popular opinion was NOT raised by wolves - grew up in central North Carolina. He fell into the technology field by accident in 1991, when he gave up the wild and crazy lifestyle of an on-air AM radio DJ to become a mundane technical support monkey. The technology industry has never really recovered from this. Kevin has worked for such names as IBM, Red Hat, webslingerZ, and Lulu Technologies (we won't mention the ones that didn't survive the experience). He currently works as a Linux Administrator for Apptio. In his spare time he rescues stray animals and plays video games with his two sons. His wife, we're sad to say, helps him get past the really hard bits. Kevin is still not very mundane, he just got better at hiding it.
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3 Responses to This may help

  1. ex_redsonja442 says:

    There’s an ISP in Carrboro (moving to the triangle soon) called Phoenix something or other that’s taking applications. For more details contact my BF Keith at [email protected], he can tell you where they are and stuff, he applied yesterday.

    As for the stress…it’s the money, honey! Keith and I nearly ripped each other’s heads off due to money stress. So now we’re both getting medicated, thanks to my Dad who helps with my medical bills. It was either get on meds or break up or kill each other. Things are far, far better now! When you get more money, y’all might try asking your doctor about antidepressants for the both of you. Wellbutrin and Prozac are nice, haven’t tried Effexor, Paxil and Celexa work BUT will make you fat very quickly.

    I hope y’all make it through the rough spot…I hope we all come out the other side of this nasty recession in one piece, with relationships intact!

    I don’t think NC is where it’s at, either. When things are on the upswing again, we’re going to look for work in Seattle. What do you and your wife think of Seattle? Earthlink is there, and I hear they’re a good employer for computer techs.

  2. alchemist says:

    The money stress will go with time, I’m sure, it’s the other documented bits that will be the make or breaks in the future. Can I change? Can she?

    I will not take anti-depressants unless I really have a diagnosed brain chemistry problem. Eventually, you have to get off them – and the depression that can follow (we think) is one of the contributing factors to my brother-in-law’s suicide earlier this year.

    I already fucked up my brain chemistry enough when I was 18-21….

  3. ex_redsonja442 says:

    How about St. John’s Wort? It’s natural and gentle. Of course it’s not guaranteed to work, it does for some ppl but not others.

    I did get my brain chemistry diagnosed, so did Keith. Not enough serotonin and too many stress hormones. We may both be on meds for life.

    As for the changing…I’d not recommend forcing yourself to go to church if you don’t believe in it, under any circumstance. Otherwise, I’d say generally that you can and she can change *if* you have the desire to. Trying to change because someone else wants you to never works, only because you yourself want to. And even then it’s so much work. So it’s a qualified yes, IMHO>

    My marriage failed because my ex didn’t want to bother to consider my well-being as important as his own. He always came first, I was never a priority…even though I moved heaven and earth for him, it was never reciprocated. I repeatedly tried to discuss the problem with him. He didn’t want to change, so he didn’t. So I found other people to fulfill my needs for companionship, and once I had a decent support structure, I divorced him and found someone else. Keith may not be perfect, neither am I, but I know for a fact that he loves me. He took care of me in the hospital and in recovery, for example. My ex didn’t. My ex didn’t even know what love is. He just used me as some kind of personal secretary and housekeeper to do things for him so he wouldn’t have to bother.

    Some signs I go by in my relationships to see if the love is there: do you selflessly take care of each other in illness? Do you do little things every day to make each other’s lives more pleasant, and enjoy doing and receiving them? Do you have a “special language” even if it seems silly. I know ppl giggle at me and Keith, and I don’t care…every time one of us drops off the other somewhere, this scene ensues: “I love you!” “I love you too.” *mmmwah!* “Have a good day…see you at five…I love you!” *mmmwah! mmmwah!* “Bye! I love you sugar pie!” Even sillier looking when enacted by pierced, tattooed people wearing huge stompyboots with spikes coming out of their bike jackets, I’m sure. ;) Do you cuddle together at night or each roll to opposite sides of the bed? Stuff like that provides pretty good indicators of the emotional climate.

    Really, I hope this all blows over and y’all get comfortable and happy again. I’ve been divorced, it’s no fun!

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