While waiting for my turn in the shower :
“You know, you yell at Ray too much. Dad and I were talking…”
At least she brought it up, and it wasn’t his observation. So, as of 9am this morning I’m :
– a not-so-good husband/dad because my priorities are out of whack
– a not-so-good provider because I’m actually loosing money at this job
– a not-so-good worker because I’m 44 client-billable hours away from making my target for this month, and have approximately 6 biz days to do it in.
– a not-so-good husband/dad because I’m not home as much as I could/should be
– a not-so-good dad because when Ray doesn’t listen, I yell at him
– too uptight about getting things done around the house (you know – laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking – the usual stuff)
– not spending enough time with the boys when I *AM* home
– not relaxed when I am home
And she wonders why I’m depressed/grumpy all day. All I want to do is to just get in the truck and drive for a while. But I can’t do that, either, ’cause of her hurt foot. *WHICH* she says to me, doesn’t feel like, it’s getting better.
So add that to my not-so-good list above – if she’s doing so much that her foot isn’t getting better, she’s on it too much, and I’m not picking up enough slack to let it heal.
Gods, I want a cigarette. Of course, that just adds to my “not-so-good” list…
Oh, and I may be reading too much into some of this stuff, which means I am, of course, overly-critical of myself. Of course, if I mention any of this stuff to her I’m “making her feel guilty”
Shit, I need someone to talk to in person, off-line, and away form all this shit. I need some time to clear my head. I need…fuck, I dunno what I need, except to go back in time, and figure out how to avoid the cluster-fuck in the first place.
But at least she’s taking the effort to point all this out. She wants to keep me around, and wants me to be me. Which, I pointed out to her, is what got me here in the first place. Which means either I’m fundamentally flawed, or she want me to be what she wants me to be – which isn’t who or what I am now.
*sigh* I’m so confused…..