Went for Ray’s parent teacher conference at 10. Got there, found out I had scheduled it for 9:30. Renee was furious. I decided on the way home that one fuckup today was enough, and that I’d run the tix for tonight down to Dad. Why? ’cause I fucked up, and don’t need to go to a hockey game if I can’t get my kid’s scheduling right. So I whine a little bit about that, and she gets pissed off because now she feels guilty, because I’m not going to the game, because I’m a little pissy about giving it up, but she really didn’t want me to go to the game anyway, but didn’t say anything because I’d make her feel guilty, even though she feels that I go to way to many hockey games lately, and would rather I stay home – but won’t say anything because she says I’ll make her feel guilty about it, which I’m not doing on purpose, because if I was, I’d be so much better at it, right?
In other words, if I give up the game, she’s mad at me because she thinks I blame it on her. if I go to the game, she feels like I’m not home enough. On top of the “I fucked up because I thought it was at 10 and it was at 9:30” shit, which she feels bad about because she thinks she looks like a bad parent because we were no shows, when its really all my fault.
So no matter what I do, I’m fucked, she’s unhappy, and no matter what I say or do, it’s wrong. Opening my mouth right now is wrong. not talking to her is wrong.
ARGH. When i try to do what right, I get in trouble. When I do what I think is right, I get in trouble. When I do what’s wrong, I get in trouble. When I do what she wants, because she wants me to, I get in trouble. When I do what I want to, I get in trouble. If I gave everything up and became a 9-5 wage slave and did nothing but work and come home, she’d say I’m making her feel guilty about it, and I’d be in trouble.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE HER HAPPY, AND SHE’S NOT CO-OPERATING! Mostly because if I’m miserable, I’ll share a little. So she’s allowed to share her misery, but I’m not allowed to make her feel guilty or unhappy.
I’m in a no win situation. dammit, I hate it when this happens.